Friday, June 29, 2018

why bother?

So I've been in a "mood." This particular mood got me an ambulance ride to the ER from my psychiatrist's office. I talked them out of admitting me, which I've regretted ever since.

I have been mistaken for a football today. I've been handed off from one person to the next without getting any actual help. I am DESPERATE for help. I'm suicidal, for Christ's sake! Why isn't anybody taking me seriously?

Sarah said she figured I was thinking she abandoned me. It didn't occur to me at first, but yeah, I'm taking her potential cancer diagnosis personally. She did it just to ruin my life, right? Why did she have to get sick right when I fucking needed her? Why couldn't Teresa tell me she was leaving directly, instead of copying me on a forwarded email to Betty? Why can't anybody hear me screaming for help? The only person who's tried to help is Dr. Exposito. He's so earnest it's almost painful. I know he means well. I know he has far more technical knowledge than I will ever possess. But I have knowledge of me, and "me" really isn't feeling well. He must have seen that or he wouldn't have sent me to the ER. I don't see him for another two weeks. I'm out of town all next week, so I don't have any help at all next week. I'm drowning.

I drop a stone into the ocean
Every choice another turn of the screw
Another wheel set in motion
With every single thing I do
It's there in the air that I breathe
It's in my whisper and scream
Inside everything I believe
And it's all gonna come around someday

As the smallest stream runs to a river
And every river runs to the sea
So every little bit of love I give to another
You know that I believe it comes back to me

There is no absolution whether I'm the garden or the rose
If I ain't part of the solution, yeah you know how that goes
You can always leave but you bring it all back home someday

As the smallest stream runs to a river
And every river runs to the sea
So every little bit of love I give to another
You know that I believe it comes back to me

Every single thing I say, everyone that I betray
Any love that I take when I do not make it in return
Every thing I do and every time I've been unfaithful too
All the things that I believe are lessons I must learn

As the smallest stream runs to a river
And every river runs to the sea
So every little bit of love I give to another
You know that I believe it comes back to me

As the smallest stream runs to a river
And every river runs to the sea
So every little bit of love I give to another
You know that I believe it comes back to me

-- Rick Springfield, "Karma"

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