you just never know

My mental health has been in the shitter since my teens, but I didn't get treatment until my early 30s. It took finally moving away from my parents for me to take matters into my own hands.

My first psychiatrist was Dr. G., at Marquette. He was a couple years older than me, cuter than hell, but more important, kind and caring. He took the time to listen and understand. He helped me find a suitable therapist. He kept trying with meds until we found something that worked. And he listened. My parents never listened when I told them I was depressed, and never got me help (when I was a teen). Having someone who listened was huge.

I have never forgotten Dr. G., and a while back I wrote him a letter. It's been 20 years since I first saw him, and I didn't even know if he would remember me (he did). We've been corresponding a bit (he doesn't do email). I got a note from him yesterday where he said my last letter was very meaningful to him, because sometimes he wonders if he makes a difference.

I was staggered. He's cute. He's successful. He's good with people (believe it or not, not all mental health practitioners are). But he doesn't think he makes a difference. I wrote him back and told him a few ways in which he'd made a difference to me. I hope it helps.

I struggle sometimes with wondering if anybody cares, but that's not really the same thing. I'm a fucking restaurant host, for Christ's sake. It's not going to permanently impact anybody's life -- it's not going to impact them beyond the hour or so it takes them to order their meal, eat, and leave. Doctors impact people's lives permanently, for better or worse. When I 'm down, I wonder if anyone would notice if I disappeared. I had a friend tell me my friends would be traumatized if I killed myself. Maybe so. When I'm in the abyss, I DGAF. I just want peace, and death strikes me as really peaceful. (And I don't believe killing myself will send me to hell.) I know people would notice if Dr. G. disappeared. I know I would be sadder than hell if he disappeared. He was so kind to me, and treated me like a human being instead of just another crazy person. I wonder why it's so hard for him to see the good he does.